checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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