Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You've changed since you got that strap on
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
