I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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