if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
