Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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