I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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