So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
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Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
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You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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