I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
