So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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