I love black thongs
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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