Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
