I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
