so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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