Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
