Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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