dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
