THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
