were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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