I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
