he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
