to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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