I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
