a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
