are you so shy because you have an std?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
