He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
