I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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