He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
