Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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