chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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