I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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