Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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