I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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