I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
