her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
