Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
