oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
