she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
