I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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