Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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