Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
