the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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