I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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