Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
party gras won. party gras always wins.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
