I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
