I accidentally had phone sex last night
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
