My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
There's even glitter on my cock...
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