I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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