honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
