fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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