on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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