doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
