i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
