i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
