Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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