note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
