my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
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As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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