You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
